I know Quico’s list of lies is more methodical, and better documented, but I just thought I’d keep it short and sweet. So here it goes:
Hugo Chávez: If there are any abandoned children left on the streets, I’ll change my name.(Just call him Claus, Santa Claus).
Hugo Chávez: I’ll turn Miraflores into Latin America’s biggest university. (They call it Corruption U., the Alma Mater of graft and blackmail)
Hugo Chávez: Venezuela will become in less than two years a world power in the production of african oil palms.(JA!)
Hugo Chávez: Under my government there will be no currency devaluations.(From 700 to 3000 is not a devaluation, it’s a sin)
Hugo Chávez: In my first year in office there will be no more homeless children left. (Again, his name should be Ali Baba)
Pedro Carreño: Montesinos was murdered in a Peruvian military base and I have proof. (Yeah, he also knows where Jimmy Hoffa is buried)
Hugo Chávez: I’ve already authorized the conversion of La Carlota into a fantastic theme park, with artificial waves. (Sweet water surfing anyone?)
Nicolas Maduro: This video proves that a CIA plane was in Venezuela. (The plane belonged in fact to a diaper company, Nick puso la cagada!).
Hugo Chávez: In my government no soldier will raise his weapons against the people. (Bolivar musbe rolling in his grave)
Hugo Chávez: My government does not need political policemen and the DISIP will disappear as a repressive body. (Jesus H. Christ!)
Hugo Chávez: I will plant with fruit trees and vegetables every green area of the cities: squares, parks, medians, anywhere. (Peaches, apricots, raspberries and all sorts of local varieties too)
Hugo Chávez: the river Guaire will be cleaned in my government and caraqueños will be able to sail it (?! Was he on drugs? Schooner Brownwater up ahead, sir!).
Lucas Rincón: A formal resignation was requested, which he accepted. (Se le solicitó la renuncia, la cual acectó).
José Vicente Rangel: Neither Ballestas, nor Montesinos are in Venezuela, it’s all a media lie. (They were planted by the oligarchic fascist media)
Hugo Chávez: I will place a vertical henhouse in every home. (He will also give every child his own donkey for transportation and cows for milk, we will not be the mos modern country in the world, BUT we will be the one who loves animals the most – at least everybody will have to learn tonadas to milk cows in the morning)
Hugo Chávez: I do not need luxury planes. (He’s got not only the Airbus, but the Camastrón and a small fleet of Falcons and choppers. His plane was used in the Promotional video that sheiks see when they want to buy one like that from the dealership)
Hugo Chávez: The young men in Fuerte Mara only have light burns, that scandal is a media lie. (No respect for those guys. Some of them are still, let’s say, missing)
Hugo Chávez: A space ship launching base will be built in Venezuela. (Again I ask, is he on crack?)
Hugo Chávez: Joao de Gouveia is an innocent gentleman, incriminated by the media. (This is downright crazy!)
Hugo Chávez: There is no doubt the opposition did not gather enough signatures. (Goebbels preached it, Chavez is the master: repeat, rinse, repeat)
Hugo Chávez: In my government there will be no more kidnappings in the border. (He meant the border with Aruba, Curaçao and Bonaire)
Hugo Chávez: In my first year of government i will get rid of unemployment, that’s why I created the Bolivar Plan.(Two words: Cruz Weffer)
Hugo Chávez: After my first trip to Europe I can assure you there are lines of foreign investors.(This is a factual statement: they are making lines to WITHDRAW their money from Venezuela)
Hugo Chávez: I have no doubt Alvarenga will be revoked by a crushing majority. (JA!)
Hugo Chávez: I will create a network of dining halls for the homeless. (See the news on the homeless killers to see how much this government cars for those in need)
Hugo Chávez: In my government the harassment and persecution of the media will be over. (This one sets the standard of what a lie is. If you look liar in the dictionary, you’ll find a picture of Chávez illustrating it and a quote of this one in bold red lettering)
Hugo Chávez: I will jail any corrupt individual. In my government there will be no impunity. (El chino de Recadi se revuelve en su tumba)
Hugo Chávez: The Bolivarian Circles are pacific organizations and no one will be able to prove otherwise. (This one is kinda of true, for a few notable exceptions. Carapaicas, Tupamaros on the other hand…)
Pedro Carreño: DIRECTV spies its users through their decodifiers, it is a CIA device, I’ve got proof. (Crystal Meth, Pot, ecstasy???)
Hugo Chávez: CADIVI will enter history as the best run monetary control institution. (Ask Adina)
Hugo Chávez: In the new PDVSA corruption will be a thing of the past. (I think he meant a thing of the PPT)
Hugo Chávez: The “Land Law” will make us self-sufficient in less than a year. (I ran out of witty commentary)