Meet PSUV's No Hopers

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How do you say Trabuco in Chavista?
How do you say Trabuco in Chavista?

Because information is power, and all voters must be well-informed, we now present to you the PSUV contenders for Municipalities in the Caracas area. I, for one, can’t wait to read El Potro’s Plan de Gobierno.

Maybe Chino and Nacho will get a couple of Concejalías…

First up, Sucre. Home to unlikely oppo stronghold Petare, the largest slum in Venezuela, and a municipality rife with social inequality, ferocious violence and crime indicators, and a vast sector of the population lacking access to basic services.

Tapped to tackle these formidable challenges is Tony “El Potro” Álvarez, former baseball star-turned-autotune-Papichulo. If you’re not familiar with his oeuvre, I’ll just let the images speak for themselves.

Let’s look next to Baruta, the sprawling middle-class political birthplace of Henrique Capriles. Running against recently desinhabilitado David Uzcategui is former Mister Venezuela contestant and TV game-show host Winston Vallenilla. His main qualifications for the job? Segway skills and bling:

In Chacao, voters will have to decide between Ramón Muchacho, of Primero Justicia, and Olga “Titina” Azuaje, former Tourism Minister and champion of the revolutionary middle class. Watch as she gushes on about what Chávez has done for the rich:

Finally, saving the best for last, the Mayorship of Caracas will be disputed between incumbent Antonio Ledezma, and none other than the Minister of Truthiness and Communicational Hegemony, Ernesto Villegas. Just in case you forgot, he’s the guy who kept us all objectively informed about Chávez’s health (oh, and he also designed the spiffy new lead-in to cadena broadcasts):

Say what you will about these nominations, one thing is clear: Venezuelans will be biting into their Bobsled gold medals from the Winter Olympics in Hell before William Ojeda is mayor of Petare.

1 COMMENT

  1. Methinks there is no Aleksander Blok in this “Revolution”.

    But seriously: what are the chances for Mr Álvarez (aka El Potro)? I don’t fancy his music, but de gustibus non est disputandum, specially in Venezuela. Will he be running against Ocariz?

  2. que estará pensando el bolsa de William Ojeda? Tanto tiempo queriendo hincarle el diente a Petare, tanto salto de talanquera de allá pa’cá, de acá pa’llá…y una vez mas como la guayabera…ecito

  3. I don’t know about you, but a little part of me would secretly rejoice at seeing El Potro getting elected. From a humble upbringing to professional baseball (hell, even in MLB!), to marrying not just one -but two!- former Misses Venezuela, to successful reguetón singer, to becoming a “social fighter” (Wikipedia en Español’s words, not mine)… to elected public office! Where does it stop, man? Miraflores?! Una vaina loca, right??!

    I mean, if there is a Venezuelan equivalent to the American Dream, El Potro would be it. My sordidly unexciting life has nothing on him. If I were a little kid, I’d want to grow up to be like El Potro.

    Sure, the people of Petare deserve much better, but you just gotta love a good script. Thank you, PSUV, for making this possible :’)

    • I’m afraid I have to agree with you, and I certain that that was the analysis for nominating him.
      “We have here a man that represents the dream come true of every young guy in los barrios, a professional baseball player that ALSO sings reguetón… He can not loose!”

      • and crazy/sad part is that it has worked, that was maduro’s slogan, you don’t need to have a plan or experience, apparently you just need that some people identify with you and that you say that you loved chavez to qualify for public office in this country

        • Completely true, you guys have to remember that most Venezuelans revolve around appearances or how you look or what you have. “Primero muerta que sencilla” goes a long way and doesn’t apply to only women.

          El potro is partially the embodiment of that lifestyle. He grew up to be successful and he shows that nothing else matters but to show your bling (no pun intended), he shows that you have all these things and people will like you (plus his career at the Venezuelan Baseball league was not terrible, so people like him for that too). He doesn’t have to have a government plan, as Chavez and Maduro have shown. He is likable and has cool things, so why not? that is what secretly all Venezuelans want (well at least 50 %) nice toys and the all my women lifestyle so they can identify with him. He has the base to at least get a decent amount of votes. You guys have to also remember that most Venezuelans don’t give a crap (excuse the language) about a proper plan of action, it is all show and papito alcalde arreglame mi calle. Which is why Venezuelan politics have never been serious to begin with and got the country in the mess that is in.

          Winston did surprised me a bit. I wouldn’t have pictured him to be a contender based on just the amount of hate he makes people have for him (and most people have had for him over the years, because let’s face it, his “:Familiaaaa” rebel yell has been hated over the years..I’m not getting into tropa de vacaciones…no). But you never know, at least he is more likable that Paul Gillman.

          • “Which is why Venezuelan politics have never been serious to begin with and got the country in the mess that is in.” Interesting comment when you consider what is happening in Europe. I suppose with their serious politics and planning everyone is doing great there – especially the almost 27 million unemployed.

            Maybe you should generalize a little less sine if that is your opinión of all Venezuelans as you imply, then you must spend your time with some real emplty headed idiots.

    • i don’t know this character but if he is as basketball player as he sounds singing with all the autotune and electronic shit helping the fact that the man have no voice and cannot sing…. well…. that tells you about this generation, it’s not totally his fault, but I don’t see where is the hard work, he is using a celebrity status and money to disguise he is a bad singer and probably will become another corrupt politician with nothing of substance or character to contribute to the society….

      AND BTW TALKING ABOUT WHAT THIS MAN WOULD BRING TO THE TABLE, WHAT’S FUCKING UP WITH THE CAR AND PORTRAYING A LIFE STYLE OF JUSTIN BIEBER/ PABLO ESCOBAR???? IS THAT A VALUE OF THE REVOLUTION TO HAVE AN EXPENSIVE SPORTS CAR AND THE IMPERIALIST LIFE STYLE OF A DRUG LORD??

      WHAT FATHER CHAVEZ WOULD DO/SAY? 😮

  4. Well, if reguetoneros are now going into politics, why don’t we launch a reguetón version of the blog? I’ve always thought that “Quico y El Nagel” would be a badass name for a reguetón duo. Just imagine it, we set up a nice intro with a “satellite image” of South America focusing in on Venezuela, and the following voiceover “Llegó el nuevo éxito del momento “Quico y El Nagel” con su Crónica Caraqueña (Sexy girl voice in background: “Bloguéame la Revolucióon!”), Featuring Emi “La Pastelera” Duarte y el Gus Hernández (and in the background as the music starts) “WordPress tu papáaaaaaaaa!”

    We saw the success of making a book out of the blog, why not use it to make a career in reguetón?

  5. New and rather perfect apodos are circulating…
    For the Minister of Truthiness and Communicational Hegemony: mona lisa Villegas.
    For Jaua: “burro con sueño”.

  6. It shows how even within an ostensibly revolutionary movement the culture of celebrity, which is profoundly conservative and status quo in nature, has found a home. I now understand that noticias 24 is not a contradiction. It is the ideal blend of celebrity garbage and revolutionary politics that is creating these candidates, that is chavismo’s essence. It is the political equivalent of reggaeton music.

      • Oh crap! Just when you thought you reached rock bottom, the floor of the ocean just caves in.
        She might just fucking win, mark my words. Esta vaina se la llevó quien la trajo.

  7. Papichulo Pa’ Petare-Una Vaina Loca! Winston Pa’ Baruta-Familia!! Titina Pa’ Chacao-Salio del Closet! Villegas Pa’ Caracas-Chavez Vive! Y, Perez Pirela Pa’ Maracaibo-Una Vaina Mas Loca!!

    • Winston is irrelevent when you consider that at the last mayoral elections in Baruta Blyde got 82% of votes cast. Chavismo would get the same number of votes there is they put up a plastic doll.

  8. “Titina” Azuaje got one thing right: chavismo has had great success in developing the middle class’s creativity in expressing itself no joda.

  9. What Maria Corina II (ie Emiliana) fails to mention in her scribblings in that hell hole called Petare is in Muncipio Sucre under the watch of Mayor Ocariz, which happens to be in the state of Miranda, under the watch of Governor Capriles (when he bothers to be there and not with Pinochet’s advisers in Santiago).

    According to Rodríguez Tores the murder rate in Mirnado is three times higher then the next worst ste which is Carabobo.

    Ocariz could lose to Potro just because of the trash problem.

    Now that Ecarri has postulated himself in Libertador aginst Ismael Garcia, it makes the contest a giy for Jorge Rodriquez.

    Perez Pirela to win in Maracaibo?

    In any case these high profile muncipalities will not affect the overal state of play – I still predict 260+ out of 335 for chavismo – but hey………how can I be right when I am just an ignorant tarifado.Jajaja…..

    • Miranda, under the watch of Governor Capriles (when he bothers to be there and not with Pinochet’s advisers in Santiago).

      como te pica, Arturo! That and all your other one-off complaints about oppo pols.

  10. how can I be right when I am just an ignorant tarifado.Jajaja…..

    el pez muere por la boca.

    right or wrong, Arturo, know that you’ll always have a crack at the breast of mother revolution, who suckles her “millones and millonas” with special needs.

    MADURO:"HOY TENEMOS MILLONES Y MILLONAS DE BOLÍVAR" Lo acaba de decir ante el acto cultural de fin de curso que montaron en la CasaAmarilla— Nelson Bocaranda S. (@NelsonBocaranda) August 6, 2013

  11. Running against recently desinhabilitado David Uzcategui is former Mister Venezuela contestant and TV game-show host Winston Vallenilla. His main qualifications for the job? Segway skills and bling:

    Not so fast. There’s a whole lot more to the man.
    Take for instance his chavista street cred schtick, as in, I’m middle class. Really. Did I tell you I was middle class? Never mind the perceived slip as at 4:44 when … el primer carro que mi papá me re..compró …

    Oh, and he presents his proposal: a municipal accounting “online”. So there.

    Les recomiendo ver este video con mucha atención, por favor luego su reflexión es importante: http://t.co/5yBfK3fBYl— Esteban Gerbasi (@estebangerbasi) August 10, 2013

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