Meet PSUV's No Hopers

How do you say Trabuco in Chavista?
How do you say Trabuco in Chavista?

Because information is power, and all voters must be well-informed, we now present to you the PSUV contenders for Municipalities in the Caracas area. I, for one, can’t wait to read El Potro’s Plan de Gobierno.

Maybe Chino and Nacho will get a couple of Concejalías…

First up, Sucre. Home to unlikely oppo stronghold Petare, the largest slum in Venezuela, and a municipality rife with social inequality, ferocious violence and crime indicators, and a vast sector of the population lacking access to basic services.

Tapped to tackle these formidable challenges is Tony “El Potro” Álvarez, former baseball star-turned-autotune-Papichulo. If you’re not familiar with his oeuvre, I’ll just let the images speak for themselves.

Let’s look next to Baruta, the sprawling middle-class political birthplace of Henrique Capriles. Running against recently desinhabilitado David Uzcategui is former Mister Venezuela contestant and TV game-show host Winston Vallenilla. His main qualifications for the job? Segway skills and bling:

In Chacao, voters will have to decide between Ramón Muchacho, of Primero Justicia, and Olga “Titina” Azuaje, former Tourism Minister and champion of the revolutionary middle class. Watch as she gushes on about what Chávez has done for the rich:

Finally, saving the best for last, the Mayorship of Caracas will be disputed between incumbent Antonio Ledezma, and none other than the Minister of Truthiness and Communicational Hegemony, Ernesto Villegas. Just in case you forgot, he’s the guy who kept us all objectively informed about Chávez’s health (oh, and he also designed the spiffy new lead-in to cadena broadcasts):

Say what you will about these nominations, one thing is clear: Venezuelans will be biting into their Bobsled gold medals from the Winter Olympics in Hell before William Ojeda is mayor of Petare.