Top ten reasons why Maduro is suspending his address tomorrow

"Para solucionar nuestros problemas, decreto capuskicapubul"
“Para solucionar nuestros problemas, decreto capuskicapubul”

Nicolás Maduro is already late giving his state-of-the-union address to the National Assembly. (Cliff notes version: the state of our union is the pits, but it’s all the opposition’s fault).

Today we learn that the address, scheduled for tomorrow, has been suspended.

Here are the top ten reasons why Maduro is not gonna show up:

10.- Jet lag

9. Chikungunya

8. He’s standing in line for toilet paper

7. He’s selling toilet paper he brought back from Iran

6. He’s filling out his Cadivi form, as well as the forms for his extended family, and his Internet connection is slooooow

5. He’s had to change the entire speech after Iran, of all countries, has said there will be no emergency OPEC meeting

4. No gas, and he’s too lazy to walk

3. After spending two weeks in a Cuban airplane, he needs to get his Venezuelan accent back

2. It’s just not the same without Maria Corina in the crowd

And the number one reason Maduro is not gonna show

1. He has no answers, no political capital, and no viable solutions to the current mess.