Putting the “low” back into Halloween

    Halloween is here, and as transculturated pitiyanqui readers of an Imperialist-language blog, we bet you're chomping at the bit to go out and have some patria-selling fun. Here's how!

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    Of all the holidays that have been frivolously stripped of their original meaning, Halloween probably takes the cake. What was once a pagan ritual to appease the potentially vengeful ghosts of the recently deceased has degenerated into a shameless excuse to dress like a slut and binge on high-fructose corn syrup in all its forms.

    But if you want to get back to basics, Venezuela’s probably the ideal place for Halloween: a place that scares the hell out of you pretty much every day.

    So in the spirit of putting utter terror back into Halloween, here are some DYI costumes inspired by the Venezuelan crisis, in all its horrifying glory.

    Happy Halloween, everyone!

    Shoestring Budget Costumes:

    In the unlikely event that you’re strapped for cash in Vz, there are 3 ridiculously easy costumes you can make with cardboard, some pabilo and a black marker:

    • Comerciante (Retailer): hang a “No hay” sign around your neck.
    • Cyberterrorist: hang a “DolarToday” sign around your neck.
    • Franklin Nieves: hang an “I’m sorry” sign around your neck.

    Bonus: If you’re reeeeally pelando bolas, you can always dress up like a Patriota Cooperante. Since no one has ever seen one, you can pretty much get away with wearing anything in your closet. 

    For the Sci-Fi crowd:

    Screen Shot 2015-10-31 at 1.20.38 AM

    Take a cue from this genius and go out as an Acetaminophen Farmer. If Matt Damon could grow potatoes in space, surely you can grow Tylenol in Venezuela… right? Borrow a small plant from your office or mother-in-law’s house, hang some empty acetaminophen boxes from the branches and voilá. Way to stick it to the seed-hoarding pharmaceuticals. 

    Make it a group thing:

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    Nothing brings people together like “a cola”. You can include any number of friends and family and all you need is a Sharpie and your National ID: brand all the members of your queue with numbers on their right arms and have them be ready to show their cédula on demand. You can even include a coleado (someone that tries to cut in line every couple of minutes). Downside: you’ll have to celebrate Halloween by the last digit on your ID Number: 0s and 1s go trick or treating on Monday, 2s and 3s on Tuesday, and so on…

    Remember, your body is a canvas for political messages:

    Screen Shot 2015-10-31 at 2.17.17 AM

    If you’re the type who always wants to make a point, dress as as an Escasez Mummy: Since shortages left you fresh out of toilet paper, just go naked, and be sure to explain this to everyone you come across. Por eso es que este país está como está! 

    Get the family involved:

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    Grab your kids, arm them with empty suitcases and twitter accounts, and teach them to look sad and hungry. Act hostile. Don’t forget the Homer Simpson-style three-day stubble, that’s vital.

    Congratulations, you’ve just turned your family into Bachaqueros. 

    If you’d rather keep it generic:

    Screen Shot 2015-10-31 at 2.37.50 AM

    There are so many characters to chose from in Chavismo, picking just one can become an overwhelming task. We’ve got you covered: just get some rubber bands and use them to fix a wooden board to your face.

    Any board will do. There. Now you can be Giordani, Luisa Ortega, either of the Tarecks, heck, you can even be Maduro if your self-esteem is that low. Just make sure to deny any accusations of wrongdoing, flat out.

     

    High-Rolling Diego Salazar-style:

    Used-Rolex-Watches

    This one’s really simple. Wear Rolexes, ROLEXES on every single limb. And we mean all of them. 

    Slutty Pran Bride

    Let’s face it, “Slutty [Fill in the Blank]” is what 21st Century Halloween is all about. But that doesn’t mean you can’t add a dash of glamour to your costume. If you can beg, borrow or steal a mean-looking bulldog, you too can fulfill your childhood fantasy of one day being a Slutty Pran Bride:

    boda9

     

    If you’re so depressed you can’t be bothered to dress up:

    Destruction_in_Homs_(4)

    Just walk around aimlessly in shambles, looking empty and destroyed. Bonus points if you can get someone to beat the shit out of you. If anyone asks what your costume is, answer: El Legado de Chávez.

    8 COMMENTS

    1. This blog has often, rightly, underscored the need for more respect for women in the public sphere…so I think it is a shame to frame multiple parts of this article against “sluts.” Yeah, many women use halloween as an excuse to dress scantily, but it just seems jarring to hear you all speak in such reactionary terms about it. Don’t get me wrong — huge fan of the blog. But I think you should practice what you preach and use more inclusive language.

    2. To dress up as an Economic War Terrorist amputate one of your thumbs, either one will do, then wreak havoc by hitting all the “lectores biométricos” in your neighborhood. “Por favor introduzca su dedo pulgar…”

    3. Neanderthals everywhere. Retarded patriotisms, lobotomized ancient religions or commercial cults, because it’s just another huge $$$ machine, second in revenue only to when Jesus is born every year, at Costcos. Statistics. Surprisingly, they have not been able to sell the Halloween medieval, barbaric fun crap to the poor, astonishingly ignorant millions of chavistas. after all, we all should believe in la virgen del valle, or simon bolivar, aquel burgues #1 millonario,. que sigan las religiones, los estupidos ritos con cabezas de calabazas y una velita, total, los disfraces son divertidos en Miami. Donde no te matan por el celular.

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