12 Reasons why Caracas is the next Hipster heaven

To celebrate Chigüire Bipolar's 8 years of satire and peos psicológicos we decided to make their dreams come true: a column in Caracas Chronicles.

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What defines the next “it” city? Is it dilapidated, pee-stained architecture just ripe enough for gentrification? An adventurous place that makes you feel like you are living on the fringe? Is it a wide array of curiously exotic, yet frugal cuisine that could be easily fusioned with donuts and ju-ju beans?

This is a heads up for all you hardcore foodie, trend-setting, traveling pants, intenso millennials. Why travel to Havana with your parents on a Carnival Cruise (ugh) when you can head south for a real non-mainstream life-changing experience? Pack your (body) bags, leave your seven figure Brooklyn loft behind, and take the next plane to Caracas. These are the definite reasons why Caracas is the place for true hipsters:

1. Beards!

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Nobody is shaving anymore. Last time I saw a Prestobarba in a store, Chávez was alive.

2) Fresh Bread!

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There are hundreds of Pop-Up bakery queues with fresh bread all around the city. Stay alert! Small batches of 20 canillas (soft and slightly sweet baguettes) only last 5 to 10 minutes.

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Sorry Dude, try to move faster next time!

3) Minimize your carbon footprint

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Since there are no imports, and we have less cargo ships bringing spare parts for cars (or new cars for that matter), your carbon footprint will be notably reduced. Also, to buy a ticket to fly abroad, you would have to save 2 year’s worth of salary so… why bother?

4) Vintage. Everything is so vintage!

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I’m using a Startac. Remember those?

Ok, this is mainly because someone stole my iPhone and I can’t afford a new one, but shit, that old brick still works and it looks so cool. Like a Macintosh! Same applies to clothes and cars (we drive around in Malibus, Mavericks, and LTDs). 70s Malibus are in, 50s Cadis are out.

5) Home goods personal shoppers

Screen Shot 2016-05-27 at 9.00.56 AMThink Blue Apron on steroids. These guys find the best pasta, rice, and organic beans you can find and deliver them at your door. Don’t worry about carbon footprint, most of them just carry the stuff on their backs.

6) Homegrown organic vegetables

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We are all vegan. Forced by meat prices, sure. But that’s not all: we grow our own vegetables. In our balconies. In our bathrooms. In government-owned real estate. Any empty container will work.

7) Vegan friendly news-sites

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No newspapers, less paper waste. We prefer our news delivered to us via web. But not just any webpage, no. We won’t read a news-site unless it has an organic name: caraotas, aguacates, patillas, cambures, semerucos, kales, lechositas, guayabas.

8) Wifi-less parties and electronic cleanse

Screen Shot 2016-05-27 at 9.21.47 AMHave you heard those stories of people who used to actually TALK at parties instead of texting on their phones? Enjoy an electronic cleanse, it’s the latest trend in cleanses since the tomato juice enema. Here the internet speed is so slow you won’t even think about wifi. So you’ll spend a lot of time speaking with your friends about how miserable your life is in this place.

9) Real life Call of Duty

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Video games are for pussies. In Venezuela you can get the real thing any time of day. From random gang fights with the police, to police repression if you are in an opposition rally. You won’t be short of adrenaline.

10) Free Hugs!

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You will finally know the meaning of “recostar el tostón” (laying the fried green plantain).

11) AirBnB at Misión Vivienda

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Stay at the most unreal apartments in the middle of coke central. Fifteen bucks will get you a flat at the coveted Ciudad Tiuna housing complex. Each building comes with its own marketplace, bodega (yes bodegas!), casino, bar, disco, whorehouse, crackhouse, drug delivery service, H-café, kidnapper safe house, cemetery, satanic cult sacrifice ritual ground, Catholic Church, Evangelical Church, Latter Day Saints Church, Santero Church, Supreme Commander Church, and Santo Malandro Church. No elevators or dumpsters included.

12) Rad new #ruinporn selfie locations

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Forget about Detroit. If you want to rattle up your Instagram and snapchat followers with some cool selfies at some awesome and abandoned locations, then you’re definitely in the right place. Downtown Caracas is chock-full of half built, graffitti-dressed behemoths. We even have a couple of abandoned cities. And if you’re lucky, you’ll even get a couple of starving children to decorate the background.

Editor’s note: Happy 8th Birthday Chigüi!

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39 COMMENTS

  1. very good article… misery humor is much better than the misery porn Raul Stolk mentioned in his article.

  2. Thank you for a good laugh; its been a while since I’ve had a chance to do that in the context of what’s going on in Venezuela. Es necesarion reir para no llorar.

  3. SO happy about this! I started reading Chigüire only recently and it saved me from wanting to quit the news altogether.

  4. Hehehe! Good one! Although I think that it’s more Grand Theft Auto Caracas than C.O.D, although that version seems to be close to its release date, so who knows?

  5. 13) Rejection Of Bourgeois Consumerism: Real women with hair under their arms, using bicarbonate of soda, since deodorants are not available/too costly. 14) Recycling Of Everything: Even sanitary napkins, with the new Bolivarian reusable/washable; 15) True Open Acceptance of Sexual Diversity, as evidenced on the Avenida Libertador, with no bathroom discrimination, since there are no public bathrooms. Etc. Etc.

  6. Meanwhile, Chavismo is entering into its 18th year, and the “pueblo” does nothing. Nor the MUD. Gotta wonder about their integrity.

  7. You have a long, LONG way to go to top Detroit. Even Chavismo cannot destroy what decades of nepotism and corruption has perfected. Even the poorest of Venezuelans wouldn’t live in what has been abandoned in Detroit. All of this done, under the ever watchful eye of Uncle Sam.
    Heck, even the beavers (not seen in the vicinity since the 1800’s) that have been repopulating abandoned vast industrial wastelands have been eradicated by looters in the hopes of selling their pelts. (To who? John Jacob Astor is long dead!)
    Quit being so melodramatic!!!! 😉

  8. The Chigüi is absolutely right. Caracas and the other Venezuelan cities could also become global Meccas not only to hipsters, but also to preppers, primal screamers, paleo dieters, nudists, voluntary anorexics, satanists, serial and mass killers, fakires and cannibals.
    Yes, Quico, I am in a weird kind of humor. Again.

  9. 8) my biggest bane in life here. But the upside is it’s made me really hate the internet and learn how to live wifi-free! Happy Birthday Chiguire!

  10. This is very offensive, you are laughing of a situation that had killed thousands of people, you are laughing of our dictatorship, you are laughing of our resistance against the government, of our misfortunes. And you don’t see us laughing of Donal Trump, of the racism that drowns your nation and of the fact that doesn’t matters how much posibilities you have, Latinos always get more jobs that Americans get, and this is because we survive our obstacles and learn from them, so we are better prepared (and an advise for Those that support Donal Trump, instead of trying to eliminate the competience, improve yourselfs, so you could be better and help the US move on) Thank you.

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