Dear Vladimir Vladimirovich,

Local press accounts have noted with interest our recently signed Economic Cooperation Accords with Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela, and in particular your munificent offer to supply “all the wheat Venezuela may need to stabilize its supply.” We salute your generous vision in putting forward such offer.

Committed though we are to the strengthening of our fraternal bonds with people of Venezuela, we believe it is important to provide some background information on the peculiarities of Venezuela’s internal market that may complicate this exchange.

We must be mindful that, at present, our comrades in the BRofV are operating system of price controls. Vladimir Vladimirovich may remember such system from days of youth. Under current system, price of a loaf of bread locals know as “canilla” is capped at 100 bolivars. This loaf is small — 130 grams — but value of bolivar smaller still. It works out to some Bs.770 per kilo of bread, at current rates it is, perhaps this is 11.43 rubles per kilo, or just 18 American imperialist cents.

Vladimir Vladimirovich will understand problem quickly. In our beloved Moscow 1 kg. of good Russian bread is now selling for 60 rubles: more than five times as much. But more to point, in neighboring Republic of Colombia a kilo is selling for 118 rubles, more than 10 times as much as in our brotherly BRofV, and in the northern part of the Federative Republic of Brazil a kilo of bread can go for 146 rubles…nearly 13 times the price of Venezuelan bread.

Vladimir Vladimirovich will quickly see problem with promise of yesterday. As he may remember from days of youth, prices set at center sometimes lead to mismatch of supply and demand. Our estimate is that at current internal price, Venezuela demand for wheat is effectively infinite number.

It may seem difficult to believe that small country like BRofV could absorb Mother Russia’s entire production of more than 62 million tons of wheat. Certainly it would be challenge for each Venezuela man, woman and child to eat 5.5 kilos of bread each day.

Yet existence of neighboring countries with settled smuggling routes, together with what Venezuelan comrades call “stew”, create alarming possibility in light of Vladimir Vladimirovich’s generous offer.

It is our concern that housewives of St. Petersburg and Novosibirsk may find such generosity hard to comprehend. And that comrades of BRofV may struggle to find the $9.3 billion that would be needed to pay for entire Russian harvest.

With respect, therefore, we wish to encourage further study of potential knock-on impact of sending entire production of Russian wheat to our Caribbean friends in doomed attempt to stabilize unstabilizable market.

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  1. Very good memo, spotless Inglish with the one or the two exceptions:

    You correctly wrote “will understand problem quickly” and ” believe that small country” and so on
    but you forgot “the” in “*demand for wheat”. It is “demand for the wheat”. Likewise
    it is “eat 5.5 kilos of the bread each day”, not *”eat 5.5 kilos of bread each day”

    On a side note: I saw friend Igor Ivanovich from Rosneft announced selling of shares for $11 billions to
    Glengore. I wonder if he or Vladimir Vladimirovich told Nikolai Nikolaievich or Bogdan Volosy (aka Cabello) PDVSA might need to do something similar.



  2. Ok. The common thing about authentic source material from the Russian Federation aka Absurdistan, and the Maduro regime, is that it all sounds like the satirical bits Joseph Heller might edit out for being too wildly improbable. I forget the date of Venezuelan April Fools, so…at the risk of looking like a chump, what are we dealing with here, really?

    • Greetings comrade, Venezuelan Fools of April Day is in 20 days Gregorian Calendar, same as other calendar but different from American, who changed Worker’s Day. Commence preparation for jokes.

  3. Kepler, Russian has no word for “the”. It is therefore a common mistake in English by native Russian speakers. Is therefore demonstrated authenticity of communication by highly-esteemed Embassy.

    • Jeffry, I speak Russian. You did not get it what I was getting at: they often forget to put it but they sometimes overcompensate and put it where they shouldn’t (I also make this last mistake but with a different distribution as Spanish is my mother tongue)

      • I almost called “whoosh” here, but I have seen cases of that.

        I guess Quico didn’t want to overdo it. Also, I think the omission is the more generally known joke.

  4. When I read this news about Russia’s gift to VZ, the old children’s’ song “There’s a hole in my bucket” came to my mind. Russia promises to fill up VZ bucket with wheat. But they don’t seem to realize that there is a huge hole in the bottom. VZ’s bottomless wheat bucket can never get filled.

    I’m sure they will get tired of wasting their wheat after a couple of years.

  5. Looks like the Russians are trying to nail down ongoing weapons contracts by offering the government the prospect of (very) short-term relief from its problems. Like a loan shark lending to a desperate borrower at a “vigorish” of 10% a week. But how will they keep themselves ahead of the Chinese as they get in line to get paid?

    • Major weapon systems purchases are over, kaput, finito. There is absolutely no money or time because these systems require long lead times. There is a scenario whereby Russia or China may provide a weapons credit but that is doubtful. The Ruskies need America for their Venezuela plans. Venezuela will continue to acquire small arms from wherever. Militarily, they are slowly withering away. Armada was defanged a decade ago with the Navantia contracts. Today it’s a toothless navy unable defend itself. They do have plans but it’s wishfull thinking por ahora. Venezuela is over. It’s was taken over by Cuba and is being Africanized. Fidel’s final achievement.

  6. On second thinking, Vladimir Vladimorovich, not to worry, having talked to esteemed comrade FB, head of BRofV CLAPS, most containers of our Federation can be shipped empty, or maybe filled with fine Siberian rock from our penal correction camps, but still will be paid for by BRofV, especially when price of oil reaches $70/barrel, thanks to diplomatic efforts by Supreme Commander In Chief NM, and the faithful adherence of our Federation to agreed-on production cuts.

  7. I would rather owe money than a favor to these guys, and since we don’t have any money, I wonder what kind of favor they asked


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