All Chavismo has to say on this Week's Protests.

It's hard to overstate the media blackout Venezuelans are subjected to. Until you see what the government reports instead. Here's a few choice tweets from chavismo's alternate, and coldhearted, reality.

Wednesday and Thursday, mass rallies took place pretty much everywhere, after the opposition’s call to gather in every major Venezuelan city the past #19A and then again the following day. It did not go peacefully, thanks entirely to repression from GNB, PNB, and pro-government paramilitary groups. Four protesters got shot and killed thus far this week.

As has become commonplace, Venezuelan national private media coverage on the violence experienced by protesters at the government’s mercy was almost nonexistent.

But the government was happy to weigh in, and this is their media machine’s version of reality:

“Give to God what belongs to God, give to Cesar what belongs to Cesar, give to El Guaire what belongs in El Guaire” 

This is all PSUV had to say about protesters taking cover in shitfilled Rio Guaire, after GNB and PNB aggressively repressed Wednesday’s opposition rally. People were so affected by tear gas that they willingly went into a river that is closer to being renamed “The Guaire Grand Sewer” than it is to getting sanitized, as it the government announced it would, back in 2014. But three years later the river’s situation remains unaltered.

Not only does PSUV gloat over their own inefficiency with this tweet, but it also rejoices over the fact that an open sewer became protesters’ only way out of getting hurt by their government’s brutal repression. Nice. This is all going according to Chavismo Mágico’s guidelines. Of course, Maduro’s community manager decided it would be a good idea to retweet the goddamned pseudomeme, which was eventually deleted. 

So other chavista cyber-warriors came to the rescue:

PSUV congressman Héctor Rodriguez defended the infamous tweet, while Vice President El Aissami said it was “hate” that drove protesters into Rio Guaire.

Sure, hate makes you want to dive into liquid shit. Makes perfect sense, huh?

Concerning State TV channel VTV’s broadcasts of the protests, these were headlines:

While complaining about insufficient international media coverage of chavismo’s #19A rally, HegemonCorp decided to broadcast Maduro dancing on stage in the midst of reports of people being killed and violence occurring all over the country.

Also on VTV’s timeline, the government’s stance on condemnable practices was made clear:”We don’t throw bombs, we bring health, life and unity to our peoples.”

Minister Blanca Eeckhout took a walk down cynicism lane by insisting that chavismo remains unperturbed by the terrorist right’s hatred.

Right, I guess that’s why PSUV ended up deleting the infamous Guaire meme from their timeline. Unperturbed.

Sometimes Venezuelan Ambassador to OAS and generally questionable human being, Roy Chaderton, analyzed Luis Alamgro’s facial features (remember, this is State TV news):

Yes, we must always keep the enemy’s resemblance to the devil on mind.

And according to PSUV congressman Pedro Carreño, the opposition is possessed…. Anybody else see a trend here?

And, lest we think otherwise about the gun-happy paramilitary colectivos making their rounds shooting at protesters, VTV is quick to remind us that  “Tupamaro” and “peace” go hand in hand:

Over at Diosdado’s Con el Mazo Dando, there was talk of a right-wing orgy. Ew.

Oh and also, very mature, calling your political foe a “Chicken” like he’s Marty McFly:

Our Ombusdman’s timeline was just hundreds retweets of media tweeting his own statements. Inception.

And then there’s Misión verdad’s alternate reality. Watch the video, it’s full of nothing.

Try to make sense of this Pulitzer-worthy gem:

“The MUD-controlled National Assembly has exponentially elevated political confrontation in Venezuela…”

Lovely takedowns of fake news. Huge, Sad, Fake news:

When you’re done silencing international and private national media, you go on to openly criticize the Colombian government:

Maduro’s Twitter feed featured coverage of… media coverage of his own statements.

Yes he did wear an actual lab coat… with a stethoscope. It’s not enough that chavismo allowed thousands of unqualified “Médicos integrales comunitarios” (Integral community doctors) to wear the beloved symbols of our profession, he also had to go and do it himself.


Yep. They made “doctors” grow on trees. A miracle, indeed.

And then he danced, again.


Maduro also retweeted this:

And this one will surely warm your hearts:

Coverage of the #19A government rally…I think Maduro is searching for whatever is left of his international support.

Chavismo mágico.

Some more delusional musings on the 3 MILLION government supporters:

3 million people? Okay.

And then complaints over Capriles asking employers to allow citizens to protest. Too bad the government made Easter week into a vacation by decree. I don’t see chavismo complaining.

Mario Silva likened the march to a human carpet. Maybe because the government steps on public employees’ rights by forcing them to be there.

This one from Communications Minister is just creepy.

And…for the hundredth time….

The Rodríguez siblings dressed the part for an Imperial Battle.

Well, HegemonCorp, nice job this week. After spending a couple of hours on Chavismomagicland I almost forgot we are in the midst of an actual crisis here. Keep on retweeting a loop of Maduro’s retweets being retweeted.

We’re gonna keep protesting.


Astrid Cantor

Head of the Church of Martha Stewart: I bake therefore I am. Táchirense: Almojabana and quesadilla lover, "toche" and "juemadre" user. Pastelitos de queso con bocadillo fanatic and overall gochadas supporter. Also doctor —as in proper MD— and pobresora universitaria too.