Crystal Ball Chronicles


Weekend-at-Bernies28 December, 2016 – CARACAS From his hospital bed in Havana, Venezuelan president Hugo Chávez decreed a raft of new revenue-raising measures to deal with the country’s chronic fiscal imbalances today, the country’s vice-president Nicolás Maduro announced.

Though President Chávez has not been seen in public for over four years now, Mr. Maduro assured the nation that the president continues to recuperate from an unspecified “pelvic” cancer first contracted in 2011, while slamming opponents’ calls for further transparency.

“The necrophiliac scum of the MUD continue in their perverted calls to invade the president’s privacy,” Maduro said, “but the country has heard their shrill squeals long enough to know they are only trying to destablize the revolution.”

Rumors that Chávez died due to post-operative complications in late 2012 or early 2013 continue to surface sporadically here. Years of strenuous denials by the government, which insists the president’s condition is slowly improving, gave way earlier this year to a new “Law against counter-revolutionary necrophilia” imposing lengthy jail terms on opponents who publicly discuss rumours of his demise.

The Inter-American Commission on Human Rights has strenuously denounced the use of the law to imprison one-time Chávez challenger Henrique Capriles Radonski, after he called for the government to furnish proof that the president is still alive in a speech in November 2015.

Sentenced to 22 years at El Rodeo for “malicious necrophilia”, his supporters held candle-lit vigils for Capriles’s release for months following his detention, until July 2016, when the security forces – noting the use of candles in funeral rites – rounded 14 of them up on charges of “subsidiary necrophilia.”

The fourteen are imprisoned awaiting trial. Venezuela ceased membership in the Inter-American Commission on Human Rights in 2013.

“We will continue to live and pray for our comandante,” Adelia Delgado, 29, said outside her hillside shack, which has lacked running water since she and her husband built it in 2007. “He is the life of the people and the fascist opposition just can’t bear the reality that he’s getting better little by little in Havana and will be back home to fix things up any day now…”

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  1. “…Ivan Simonovis, now weighing 100 lbs., Capriles’ cell mate, says Capriles and he enjoy there 15 minutes of sunshine allowed each day, and that Capriles is optimistic, continually mumbling, “El tiempo de Dios es perfecto.”

    • “…Armando Briquet, former Capriles’ campaign manager, who “brinco la talanquera” some time ago, when asked by Mario Silva (top-rated TV news program since the forced closing of Globovision, and since Cuban-family-origen “business is business” Cisneros invited him to join Venevision) why he exuded confidence and was all smiley and “winky” at the Capriles’ O7 early evening press conference, said, “I knew the Comandante had won easily, but I wasn’t ready yet to come out of the political closet…..

      • …”In other news, Interpol has issued a Red Alert Warrant Of Arrest, solicited by Venezuela and the ALBA countries, for one Francisco Toro (alias, “Quico”, presumably hiding out in a Japanese rice paddy), for his Necrophiliac Seditious article titled “Behold A Pale Rider”, published on his “Caracas Chronicles” Blog, and in “Foreign Policy Review”.Attempts are currently being made to ascertain the identities of those who made seditious comments about that article, including those cowardly counter-revolutionaries hiding behind the pseudonyms of “Syd”, “NET”, “Loroferoz”, et. al. Impartial commenter “Arturo” said, “I warned those Capitalist Baboons Fish Wifes(sic)”.

    • Canucklehead:

      You really and actually need to work in your comparisons, dude… Jorge Luis Borges? Have you ever read “Tlön, Uqbar, Orbis Tertius”, or any other of his humorous pieces? Have you ever read Adolfo Bioy Casares? Or both of them, working in tandem? In their Agentinian Spanish? No, certainly not. No way, evidently… Gabriel García Marquez? Well, maybe… if GGM had a brain a little bigger than his ego and his Nobel Prize… Otrova Gomás? That’s more like it…

      • I have not read Adolfo Bioy Cesares or Otrova Gomas, in the original or in translation, in tandem or on a unicycle. Mea culpa.

  2. “Though President Chávez has not been seen in public for over four years now”… wait… WHAT??? Then whose that guy that’s been running the country to the ground these last four years?

  3. Great article which just shows despite some uncertainties, in many ways it is getting easier and easier to predict what the PSUV will do to remain in power.

  4. Are you engaging in some sort of comical reduction to absurdity? Or did you get the sudden urge to impersonate El Chiguire Bipolar?

    • Who knows? But if I agree in one thing with Dr. Marquina is this: (Whatever you see in the next days) the prognosis does not change.

  5. >>> What are these people drinking?
    Freedom .
    The chabez who once had them down Under his thumb – The chabez who once pushed them around –
    It’s down to them now. The difference in the state he’s in. It’s Down to them now, their time has come, Ain’t it the truth, babe? The squirmin’ gofers are having their sunny days., the change has come
    Ah, ah, say it’s alright. From under his thumb Ah, take it easy babe Yeah It’s down to them now, oh yeah the change has come, Say, it’s alright. Say it’s all… Say it’s all.. babble… babble…

    apologies to mick

  6. Satire, sure. It’s a good way of entertaining your readers and distract them from the political reality of Venezuela as they are ALL now in the band of ,losers after October 7th and December 16th left licking their wounds and chewing crumbs from the leftovers of the political feast gorged by the chavistas. This losing streak will be driven home on May 26th (for mayoral elections for those of you who do not know) and possibly if it is necessary to hold presidentail elections later this year.

    Disculpas – I forgot that Quico has been on the losing side since he launched CC in October 2002 – it’s only more than a decade and counting. Jajajajaja………….

  7. lo mas probable es que el tipo no este muerto sino en coma o estado vegetativo, que es casi lo mismo, tiempos dificiles para el pais, incertidumbre extrema


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