I just want to be a good fascist and the Government won't let me…

Emi's Office
Emi’s Office

So it’s Wednesday morning in the International Office of the MUD and I’m walking in, bleary eyed, heading straight to the coffee pot for my requisite 8:00 a.m. fix. Before I can put my bag down, open my laptop, and start on my morning ritual of checking the news and scheduling our daily fascist agenda, we get our first rapid-response issue of the day, which is not uncommon in my chosen occupation. “Damn it,” I think to myself, “I’m going to have throw out my plan to spend the next few hours hatching fascist plots to deal with this bullshit.”

It turns out, Venezuelan Military Intelligence (DIM) officers raided the private residence of Oscar López, Henrique Capriles’s campaign strategist and chief of staff. Nameless search warrant in hand, DIM agents broke into López’s apartment with the help of a locksmith, and seized personal documents, electronic equipment and mobile phones. Although the purpose of the raid was never made clear by authorities, López’s lawyer believes they were looking for evidence linking López’s financial activity to that of MP Richard Mardo, who is being investigated on corruption charges (even though he does not administer public funds) after being stripped of his parliamentary immunity last week,  (unconstitutionally, lest we forget.)

And so we patiently got to drafting the umpteenth statement to alert the international community of said event.

But just as I was about to click the SEND button and get back to my daily fascist punch-list, I get word that the Supreme Court (TSJ) just rejected all 10 legal petitions, 2 of them submitted by the MUD, to challenge April 14 election results, on grounds that there were flagrant violations of electoral norms that might have altered the voter’s will reflected in Maduro’s victory. Oh, and Capriles, and his legal council were slapped with a fine for calling into question the Court’s impartiality, and the Attorney General was instructed to launch an investigation of Capriles for his offenses.

So back I go to draft another letter, informing the world about the Court’s decision and listing all the ways in which due process was ignored, showing how domestic legal recourse has been exhausted, and ratifying Capriles’s decision to take this cause abroad, since the Venezuelan judicial system gets insulted whenever it’s delicate sensibilities are so rudely shocked.

With the final period of this letter typed, I sit back and sigh with relief. “Finally,” I think to myself, “now I can get back to doing what it is I get paid to do, which is being a fascist.” (I’d already missed my 2:00 pm “Rubbing your hands together and being a nefarious villain” seminar and I was starting to get irritated).

But my excitement was short-lived. Just as I was about to kick my feet up and delve into chapter 4 of the Fascism 101 handbook that Ramón Guillermo Aveledo lovingly dedicated to me, I get an email notification that MP María Corina Machado has been once again summoned to appear before the “Joint Committee to further investigate the Anti-Democratic, Anti-Patriotic and Fascist confessions of MP María Corina Machado” or whatever it is they called it.

Goddamit! How am I supposed to get any work done around here???

So, for the third time today, I sit in front of the computer and type up a communiqué to spam world leaders about how parliamentary immunity is being decimated in Venezuela, how separation of powers became an outright fiction, and how legislators are being targeted for smear campaigns through State media outlets and slated for inquisition in detriment to their mandates as elected representatives.

As you can imagine, all these distractions take a toll on my productivity. I am sorry to say that our facist activity is currently quite inefficient. I really hope someone in PSUV can read this and help me help them. I’m really just trying to do my job.

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