10 Olympic Sports that could win Venezuela the Gold

We decided to take a break from monitoring the revolutionary chaos and came up with a few Olympic disciplines that would be tan nuestras como la reina pepiada, la colita y un buen Toddy frío.

10. Fence Jumping

This sport originated in Venezuela, actually. It’s only 17 years old, but we have several gold medalists so far. The salto de talanquera reigning heavyweight champion is Ricardo Sanchez, who ran for the AN with María Corina Machado and is now a proud PSUV’er. William Ojeda and Hernán Núñez are also frequent top contenders. Look out for team Venezuela to dominate this year’s games.

9. Synchronized Hand-Washing 

It takes great coordination and timing. More than a sport it’s a form of art whereby the athlete must be able to read a crisis at the correct moment, and just let it go. No es conmigo. It requires mastering two minor disciplines such as Sustained Plank Facing (Caretablismo) and Gymnastic Flag Waving (Bandera). Google Tarek William Saab, or Gabriela del Mar.

8. Coroto Wrestling

It’s an odd version of greco-roman wrestling, and although it may be as ineffective as three, chubby, middle aged, impotent men having an orgy, it’s pretty much the game Nicolás Maduro, Diosdado Cabello, and Vladimir Padrino have been practicing incessantly. There’s also an opposition version of this discipline, but it is far less arousing.

7. Economic Diving

This is a shoe in for Venezuela’s current economic cabinet. All you must do is jump into the void and hope for the best or for God to provide a cushioned landing. We’re fortunate to have Spain’s most effective (and least bathed) coach with us.

6. Mule dismounting

No one escapes a bajada de la mula when visiting Venezuela. It’s a popular sport traditionally played in the barrios of Caracas, that  has taken the mainstream by storm. It has become a favorite, not only of Venezuela’s ruling class, but also of the local jet set. See: Derwick y Asoc.

5. RR Infinithlon

Tibisay Lucena has an infinite supply of obstacles inside her witch’s hat. Whoever is able to keep up with her, should be considered the “World’s Greatest Athlete”.

4. Ping Pong Dialogue

This is a boring and useless sport and yet its experts practice it 24/7.

3. Tae-CLAP-do

Recently created, this martial art has become very popular all over the country. It involves protecting a bag with two or three basic staples from a rabid assailant. Styles may vary from: one on one; two on one; mob on mob; mob on one.

2. Inflation Rate Trampoline

An economy stretched over a money printing machine is the perfect trampoline. The secrets of this discipline have been passed from generation to generation of Inflation Masters.

1. Olympic Ball Yanking

Flattery and adulation are disciplines truly mastered by all instances of the Central Government.


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