10 Olympic Sports that could win Venezuela the Gold

We decided to take a break from monitoring the revolutionary chaos and came up with a few Olympic disciplines that would be tan nuestras como la reina pepiada, la colita y un buen Toddy frío.

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10. Fence Jumping

This sport originated in Venezuela, actually. It’s only 17 years old, but we have several gold medalists so far. The salto de talanquera reigning heavyweight champion is Ricardo Sanchez, who ran for the AN with María Corina Machado and is now a proud PSUV’er. William Ojeda and Hernán Núñez are also frequent top contenders. Look out for team Venezuela to dominate this year’s games.

9. Synchronized Hand-Washing 

It takes great coordination and timing. More than a sport it’s a form of art whereby the athlete must be able to read a crisis at the correct moment, and just let it go. No es conmigo. It requires mastering two minor disciplines such as Sustained Plank Facing (Caretablismo) and Gymnastic Flag Waving (Bandera). Google Tarek William Saab, or Gabriela del Mar.

8. Coroto Wrestling

It’s an odd version of greco-roman wrestling, and although it may be as ineffective as three, chubby, middle aged, impotent men having an orgy, it’s pretty much the game Nicolás Maduro, Diosdado Cabello, and Vladimir Padrino have been practicing incessantly. There’s also an opposition version of this discipline, but it is far less arousing.

7. Economic Diving


This is a shoe in for Venezuela’s current economic cabinet. All you must do is jump into the void and hope for the best or for God to provide a cushioned landing. We’re fortunate to have Spain’s most effective (and least bathed) coach with us.

6. Mule dismounting


No one escapes a bajada de la mula when visiting Venezuela. It’s a popular sport traditionally played in the barrios of Caracas, that  has taken the mainstream by storm. It has become a favorite, not only of Venezuela’s ruling class, but also of the local jet set. See: Derwick y Asoc.

5. RR Infinithlon

Tibisay Lucena has an infinite supply of obstacles inside her witch’s hat. Whoever is able to keep up with her, should be considered the “World’s Greatest Athlete”.

4. Ping Pong Dialogue

This is a boring and useless sport and yet its experts practice it 24/7.

3. Tae-CLAP-do

Recently created, this martial art has become very popular all over the country. It involves protecting a bag with two or three basic staples from a rabid assailant. Styles may vary from: one on one; two on one; mob on mob; mob on one.

2. Inflation Rate Trampoline

An economy stretched over a money printing machine is the perfect trampoline. The secrets of this discipline have been passed from generation to generation of Inflation Masters.

1. Olympic Ball Yanking

Flattery and adulation are disciplines truly mastered by all instances of the Central Government.

 

12 COMMENTS

  1. Brilliant!

    But seriously, the Olympics seem to be one corruption riddled, self congratulatory, hypocrisy larded meeting of nations that the Bolivarian Republic is oddly on the periphery of.

    Sometimes the sport shines through. A Venezuelan hammer thrower seemed for a moment to epitomize what the event should be…

  2. Another popular sport in Venezuela is “cerruchar el puesto” (job sawing?). As an example, you are here doing it to Chiguire Bipolar.

  3. Well, I think fence jumping is older. Remember guys like Aristóbulo Istúriz, who firstly was
    * an Acción Democrática man, then
    * a Movimiento para el Pueblo bloke,then
    * a Causa R politician, then
    * a Patria para Todos fellow and finally bcame a
    * PSUV politician.

    There are some others like him.

  4. Unmentioned above was the clear gold medal winner of “Synchronized Hand-Washing” competition ..and it goes to the….Vatican! In the midst of enormous human suffering, their silence is deafening.

    • The pope has no clue, he visits and hugs criminals and dictators like the Castro thugs and Maduro, and doesn’t even talk to the opposition or the suffering average people.

    • Nobody wants a political Papacy. But THIS Pope has a remarkable inability to distinguish between the repentant and non-repentant sinners. There is a difference. He should recognize those differences. The very least this first-ever Spanish-speaking Pope could do is to issue a statement in support of an election to determine the “will of the people.” Simple. Not in support of one party or the other. He willingly gave credibility to Maduro in Rome a few years back, now he should expect his wishes to be honored in return. This is so frustrating. It reminds one of Thomas Cranmer being forced to renounce his Protestant faith in 1556, and confounding his audience with these words, “And as for the Pope, I refuse him, as Christ’s enemy, an anti-christ with all his false doctrine.” OK, a bit harsh, but can you blame him? The guy was on his way to being burned at the stake on Broad Street in Oxford. People are angry. Those in authority need to speak, and now.

  5. The Pope knows that angry shouting from a pulpit is not going to get any results , so he plays the friendly party that can help two enemies meet and reach an agreement , if he had condemned the Castro regime publicly he could not have facilitated the ‘pact’ restoring relations between the US and Cuba which many think has helped the US clean up its image vs Sentimental Left Wing Latin America and neutralize any attack from the Castro Regime and its allies , at the same time its opened a face saving door for Cuba in time to develop its economy and eventually its society towards a more open and liberal regime …..!!

    To play the diplomatic hand he must not appear overly critical of regimes he hopes to bring to a negotiating table…….not because he is unaware of its vices but because his mediating methods cant work if he creates a hostile environment for itself before the regimes he wishes to influence.!!

    This whole anglo tradition of satanizing the catholic church and the Pope is a bit ridiculous, like satanizing the indian natives of yore for their raids to the colonial homesteads close to the wilderness in the XVIII century ………, excesses were committed but american civilization has moved on to more pressing and relevant concerns…!!

  6. I told my sra that if the Olympics were held in Venezuela, we’d win the gold metal easily in the 100 meter dash carrying a sack of stolen aji dulce.

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