10 Olympic Sports that could win Venezuela the Gold

Venezuela has a history of sucking hard at the Olympics. Maybe we’ve been participating in the wrong disciplines.

Fence Jumping


This sport originated in Venezuela, actually. It’s only 17 years old, but we have several gold medalists so far. The salto de talanquera reigning heavyweight champion is Ricardo Sanchez, who ran for the AN with María Corina Machado and is now a proud PSUV’er. William Ojeda and Hernán Núñez are also frequent top contenders. Look out for team Venezuela to dominate this year’s games.

Synchronized Hand-Washing 

tarek2It takes great coordination and timing. More than a sport it’s a form of art whereby the athlete must be able to read a crisis at the correct moment, and just let it go. No es conmigo. It requires mastering two minor disciplines such as Sustained Plank Facing (Caretablismo) and Gymnastic Flag Waving (Bandera). Google Tarek William Saab, or Gabriela del Mar.

Coroto Wrestling

Maduro-ascensos-militares-fanb-6-cabello-vladimir-padrinoIt’s an odd version of greco-roman wrestling, and although it may be as ineffective as three, chubby, middle aged, impotent men having an orgy, it’s pretty much the game Nicolás Maduro, Diosdado Cabello, and Vladimir Padrino have been practicing incessantly. There’s also an opposition version of this discipline, but it is far less arousing.

Economic Diving

This is a shoe in for Venezuela’s current economic cabinet. All you must do is jump into the void and hope for the best or for God to provide a cushioned landing. We’re fortunate to have Spain’s most effective (and least bathed) coach with us.

Mule dismounting

No one escapes a bajada de la mula when visiting Venezuela. It’s a popular sport traditionally played in the barrios of Caracas, that  has taken the mainstream by storm. It has become a favorite, not only of Venezuela’s ruling class, but also of the local jet set. See: Derwick y Asoc.

RR Infinithlon

capriles-tvTibisay Lucena has an infinite supply of obstacles inside her witch’s hat. Whoever is able to keep up with her, should be considered the “World’s Greatest Athlete”.

Ping Pong Dialogue

Henry Ramos Allup (2nd L), President of the National Assembly, talks with former Spanish prime minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero (2nd R) during their meeting at the National Assembly in Caracas, Venezuela May 19, 2016. REUTERS/Marco Bello

This is a boring and useless sport and yet its experts practice it 24/7.


trifulca-pelea-comida-2Recently created, this martial art has become very popular all over the country. It involves protecting a bag with two or three basic staples from a rabid assailant. Styles may vary from: one on one; two on one; mob on mob; mob on one.

Inflation Rate Trampoline

35226MERENTESAn economy stretched over a money printing machine is the perfect trampoline. The secrets of this discipline have been passed from generation to generation of Inflation Masters.

Olympic Ball Yanking

alg-chavez-book-jpgFlattery and adulation are disciplines truly mastered by all instances of the Central Government.